Life Champion

Do you ever feel like being an adult sucks? You get so caught up in grown-up stuff like forgetting to pay bills, finding socks that match, and lying about why you were late for work that you lose sight of everything that ever made you happy as a child? You give up on popping wheelies. You stop ding-dong ditching and vandalizing stuff. You don’t think spitballs or really loud farts are as funny as they used to be. And you can't even remember the last time you threw a party at your parent's house while they were on vacation or had sex with a seventeen-year-old girl in the back of their car. This is what happened to me, and by my 40th birthday, I was just a shell of that spry young man who left the loudest farts in the 5th grade.

I was twenty-five years old when I needed to find a Goddamn job and move the fuck out so I could start paying my own goddamn bills already. At least that's what my parents were always telling me. What my parents didn’t understand was that I was a Psychology major, and Psychology majors don’t do stuff like get good jobs or move out of their parents’ house. With a shitty college major, and not enough charm or good looks to enter the lucrative world of pharmaceutical sales like my mom and dad wanted me to, it looked like I was destined to live with my parents forever.

After a lifetime of bad decisions, job after job, excessive indulgence in drugs and booze, a massive accumulation of student debt and an unwanted divorce my life is finally on the right track. I healed the damaged relationship with my father, even though he could be a real dick sometimes. I also learned how to reconnect with my inner-child. Now I am the same fun-loving, happy-go-lucky kid who used to masturbate five times a day and played with matches. I even have dental insurance and two kids who aren't in therapy yet. My life has turned out exactly as I planned.

My inspirational story of faith, hope, and redemption will change your life forever. If you don’t believe me, my 3rd cousin from Jersey didn’t read it, and he’s still on heroin. My fat boss didn’t read it either, and he’s still a dick. My nan and pap didn’t read it. Now they are both dead.

Today the "woke" generation would probably say that this book is vulgar, crude, rude, racist, emasculating, homophobic, ignorant, insensitive, sarcastic, lewd, juvenile, sophomoric and even downright offensive. Back in the old days when people still had a sense of humor, they would have simply said that it was funny. If you have a good sense of humor and you don't take life too seriously, you will probably like this book.